Carter Thomas Hutson

Sorry I haven't posted in forever but a lot has happened.  Here is the birth story of Carter.  The weeks before Carter's birth were filled with contractions which made me think I was in labor.  The plan all along was to be induced on July 9th (39 weeks) so I was happy to know that was the latest I would have my baby. I took heparin injections throughout my pregnancy due to the losses that I had previously.  The shots were tough as I had to take them twice a day at 7am and 7pm. I had to schedule my life around giving myself these shots.  I joked that I felt like a drug addict because I would give my shots wherever I was which included public restrooms, the car, etc.  Since the heparin shots thin your blood they wanted me to be off of them when I delivered so I didn't bleed to death.

I went in to Willow Creek Women's hospital on Sunday July 8th to start the process.  I think I over packed because it looked like I was moving in and I only used a few things out of my many bags.  They got me all hooked up after letting a new nurse put in my IV who blew my vein (ouch!).  They gave me medication to make my cervix soften.  Grayson went and got me my last meal (Jason's Deli).  The doctor let me walk around the hospital and Grayson was in charge of following me around the hospital with the IV pole.  I then took the doctor up on the offer of an Ambien to go to sleep.  I figured it was the only time I would get a sleeping pill and it would be the last full night of sleep for a while.  I guess the Ambien worked because I don't even remember anything after I swallowed the pill.  When the nurse woke me up at 6 she asked me how I slept.  I said "Great!".  She then told me that she had been in my room almost every hour during the night because Carter kept moving off the monitor and she kept coming in and messing with my belly. I didn't even know she was messing with me.


At 6 am on Monday July 9th they started the Pitocin.  I started having harder contractions but it wasn't too unbearable.  At 8 am Dr. Hinton arrived.  Dr. Hinton is the best doctor I could ever have.  She was with me through both of my losses and worked hard to figure out why I kept losing babies.  Her bedside manner is incredible.  She broke my water and put Carter on an internal monitor which screws into his head since he kept moving off the belly monitor. Between 8-10am I don't remember much.  I guess my contractions really picked up because I was in the zone.  At 10 I finally gave up and asked for an epidural.  I had wanted to go natural but felt I still had so long to go that I didn't think I could make it.   It is hard to describe labor pain but I kept telling Grayson that I was dying if that gives you a clue.  It feels like someone is ripping your insides out.  I guess since I was in so much pain the anesthesiologist came really fast.  They immediately gave me my epidural and then decided to see how far dilated I was.  To all of our surprise, I was already 10cm and ready to push. If they had checked me 5 minutes earlier, before the epidural, then I would have been pushing. Since I didn't feel a thing they made me wait to push.  I sat in bed watching "The Chew" on tv and eating a popsicle. That was the best cherry popsicle I have ever had.  I think I started pushing between 11-11:30.  I still couldn't feel anything.  I tried to pick my leg up and it just fell over.  I had no control over the lower half of my body.  I kept asking if I was pushing right cause I really couldn't feel anything.  Carter's head was turned to the side so they were wanting to use forceps but once I heard that word I started really pushing.  At 12:16 pm my little miracle baby came out screaming. It was such a relief to have him in my arms.  He weighed 7 pounds 5 ounces and was 20.5 inches long.

Life has a way of surprising us

It's been a long time but I thought I was finally ready to update.  I am pregnant with a sweet baby boy!!! I am due in July and am so excited for every little uncomfortable kick and bit of exhaustion.  Here is a letter I wrote a couple weeks ago that sums up how I feel about hope.

Life has a way of surprising us. Sometimes things go as planned and sometimes we wonder what we could have done differently to change the outcome.  When Grayson and I decided to start our family last year we thought it would be a piece of cake.  Last January I could never have even thought I would go through what I went through.  God had a different plan then I had planned out.  After my first loss I was angry with God.  I felt betrayed.  I did a lot of crying those first weeks which led to a lot of praying.  I mainly prayed for peace and understanding during this storm of life.  I told God I didn’t know his purpose but I prayed I would understand it someday.  To my surprise I became pregnant three weeks after my surgery.  I swore, at the time, that God was blessing my again and things would be different.  It seemed like deja vue with the next loss.  Same doctors, same nurses, same heartbreak. I truly felt like a failure as a woman.  I couldn’t even carry out God’s command, “Go forth and multiply”.  My dreams of having children were broken.  We decided to take two months off so I could have testing done. I focused on making myself positive.  I couldn’t change what happened to me but I could change my attitude.  I started going to a bible study called “Navigating Life’s Interruptions”, went to acupuncture, did yoga, and listened to positive relaxation music.  I put my life in God’s hands since obviously my plan for life wasn’t working.  The week before finding out I was pregnant for the 3^rd time I had a long prayer with God.  I prayed that I would be blessed with a child that I could raise.  At the end of my prayer I sat in quiet tears.  At that moment I heard the words I will never forget, “It will be”.  Those three simple words were God telling me not to give up because if I believe in his timing then it will truly be.  This is the only time I can say that I know I heard God speaking to me.  I am still holding onto those three simple and powerful words.  The past few months have been a blur of weekly doctors visits, acupuncture appointments, exhaustion, and prayer.  I thank God every single day for blessing me again.  I now see my purpose in the tragedies of last year.  I realized that God doesn’t want me to be silent about what happened and how I struggled with my faith.  I feel he is using me to help other women.  I also realized how to be a better person.  Now I don’t take life for granted.  I find good in every day.  I also love when it rains because then I have a chance of seeing a rainbow which reminds me of my angels and God’s promise.  Most people grumble when it rains but I realized it is just your attitude and realizing the storm is there for a purpose.  I am reminded of the quote “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”.  I could have walked away from God, I could have given up on life and my desire to have a child.  Instead, I chose to cling to God in my storm and learn to dance in the rain.  As I think about this precious baby boy inside of me as I write I think of how I have grown this past year.  Ultimately I feel that I will be a better mother and wife because I truly have learned how precious and short life really is.  Valuable lesson to learn at a young age.  I still worry about this baby but I know God is in control and I cling to his words to me, “It will be”.

Rollercoaster

I have been MIA for a couple weeks now.  I have been in a funk of sadness for the last couple of weeks.  I debated if I should blog or not but I think I have decided I should be open and honest with everyone.  Everything that has happened this year has been a rollercoaster.  I take it day by day but some days it is all I can do to make it through the day.  Somedays I want to throw in the towel and just tell myself that maybe I am not meant to be a mommy and then other days I act like I have boxing gloves on ready to fight anything that comes in my way. I thought by now I would have some answers to why I keep losing my babies but it has come at a dead end.  I had some testing done and only one test came back borderline.  So last Friday I had to go back to the doctor for more blood work.  I had to run up and down stairs for 20 minutes before the test and then they drew 9 tubes of blood.  Yes, you heard me right, 9 tubes.  I should find out Friday the results of the testing and am just hoping that it is fixable.  One thing that is keeping me positive is taking my health into my own hands.  I read online about acupuncture helping with fertility and recurrent miscarriage.  I figured it was worth a shot. So, on Friday at 9am I am going to get some acupuncture done.  I am really glad I have a strong support system because I probably would have gone postal by now with all of this stress and setbacks.  My husband, mom, and other friends and family have really been a wonderful support.  Even though they don't know what to say most of the time they are still really positive.  Grayson and my mom won't let me give up.  I try but they aren't budging at all.  I promise I will try to be more positive but just didn't want you guys to think that I gave up.  I will never give up entirely.

These Days

People always say to me "You are so strong in all of this, how do you go on?"  Well, I always say "I have my days".  Today is one of those days.  Most days I plaster the smile on my face and just face life.  I never chose this for myself but I have to fight and stay strong.  I can't give up because giving up makes you a victim but chosing to fight and be strong makes you a survivor.  God gives me peace. I pray for peace, comfort, and understanding in all of this.  At first I was angry at God after losing my babies but one night I fell to my knees and asked God to help me stay strong and to give me peace.  After that night I have felt different and learned to cherish the days I do have, good and bad.  I have learned that being late to work or an appointment is not the end of the world.  I have learned what really matters in life.  Grayson told me the other day that I don't seem to be worrying as much anymore.  I used to worry about everything but God has taught me that there is no need to worry about life when He is in control.  So, for now I am just learning to love these days and everything it brings. 
Here is a song by Mandisa (one of my favorite christian artists) which really speaks to me. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tezG4LRNzw

A name

After we lost our first baby I read the book "Heaven is for real."  In the true story the little boy visited heaven and then tells of what he saw.  The part that really got to me is when he told his mom that he saw his sister (whom his mom had miscarried and didn't even know the gender of the baby).  She asked him what her name was.  He said "she didn't have a name because you didn't give her one."  I then decided that I wanted my baby to have a name in heaven.  We named our first baby Peyton since we didn't know the gender and Peyton is pretty gender neutral. When we lost this second baby I thought we would get the results of the gender since we had the chromosome testing.  They couldn't tell the gender from the testing because they didn't have enough tissue.  I have been debating if I should pick out another gender neutral name or go gender specific.  With this baby I felt it was a girl. Grayson also had this feeling.  Since they say the mother is 75% right on the gender we decided we would pick out a girl name.  We picked out Madison.  I have always loved the name Madison and now my little baby has a name for God to call her. I hope Peyton and Madison are playing in heaven and taking care of each other.  Here is a poem I like to read when I am sad.  It helps me realize that my baby is in the most beautiful place being cared for by the angels and God.  It helps knowing that.

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't look so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

Waiting Again

So today I went to the doctor.  The doctor's office has been a familar place this year.  First I met with the doctor to discuss some things.  They weren't able to find out the gender from the chromosome testing which I was hoping I would know the gender so I could pick out a name.  With our last baby we named him/her Peyton because it was gender neutral but I had a feeling this baby was a girl so I think I am going to pick out a girl name this time.  I also had blood clotting tests done today and if anything comes up abnormal then I will either have to take aspirin everyday or I may have to take 2 shots of heparin everyday.  I am willing to do anything I have to do even if that means getting over my fear of seeing a needle enter my skin. I absolutely love my doctor because she is willing to do any kind of test to find the cause of my miscarriages.  She is also going to call a specialist in Memphis to consult with about my results.  I should get the results by next Friday so it is now another waiting game.  After we get the results, then I will be cleared to start trying again.  In the meantime my doctor went ahead and started me on a low dose "baby aspirin" since it can't hurt in the waiting time.  Next time around I have decided to try accupuncture. I have read some studies and research that says that accupuncture helps prevent miscarriage and helps one get pregnant since accupuncture helps with blood flow. I figured it couldn't hurt anything. 

After my doctor's appointment I went to the christian book store to get my name on my bible.  While I was checking out I saw a ring that had a bible verse that I just love and will be my motto during this new waiting period.  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philipians 4:6

My new weapon

Rainbows

I never really paid attention to rainbows. A week after we lost our second baby Grayson called me while I was babysitting and told me to run outside and see a double rainbow.  By the time I ran out there one was very faint and the second was the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen.  I called Grayson back and told him "Our babies must be playing with God's paints".  I will always see rainbows as my babies just painting away.  I now smile when it rains. 

Here is a poem I found and I think it describes miscarriage in a way others can relate:
"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown