Life has a way of surprising us

It's been a long time but I thought I was finally ready to update.  I am pregnant with a sweet baby boy!!! I am due in July and am so excited for every little uncomfortable kick and bit of exhaustion.  Here is a letter I wrote a couple weeks ago that sums up how I feel about hope.

Life has a way of surprising us. Sometimes things go as planned and sometimes we wonder what we could have done differently to change the outcome.  When Grayson and I decided to start our family last year we thought it would be a piece of cake.  Last January I could never have even thought I would go through what I went through.  God had a different plan then I had planned out.  After my first loss I was angry with God.  I felt betrayed.  I did a lot of crying those first weeks which led to a lot of praying.  I mainly prayed for peace and understanding during this storm of life.  I told God I didn’t know his purpose but I prayed I would understand it someday.  To my surprise I became pregnant three weeks after my surgery.  I swore, at the time, that God was blessing my again and things would be different.  It seemed like deja vue with the next loss.  Same doctors, same nurses, same heartbreak. I truly felt like a failure as a woman.  I couldn’t even carry out God’s command, “Go forth and multiply”.  My dreams of having children were broken.  We decided to take two months off so I could have testing done. I focused on making myself positive.  I couldn’t change what happened to me but I could change my attitude.  I started going to a bible study called “Navigating Life’s Interruptions”, went to acupuncture, did yoga, and listened to positive relaxation music.  I put my life in God’s hands since obviously my plan for life wasn’t working.  The week before finding out I was pregnant for the 3^rd time I had a long prayer with God.  I prayed that I would be blessed with a child that I could raise.  At the end of my prayer I sat in quiet tears.  At that moment I heard the words I will never forget, “It will be”.  Those three simple words were God telling me not to give up because if I believe in his timing then it will truly be.  This is the only time I can say that I know I heard God speaking to me.  I am still holding onto those three simple and powerful words.  The past few months have been a blur of weekly doctors visits, acupuncture appointments, exhaustion, and prayer.  I thank God every single day for blessing me again.  I now see my purpose in the tragedies of last year.  I realized that God doesn’t want me to be silent about what happened and how I struggled with my faith.  I feel he is using me to help other women.  I also realized how to be a better person.  Now I don’t take life for granted.  I find good in every day.  I also love when it rains because then I have a chance of seeing a rainbow which reminds me of my angels and God’s promise.  Most people grumble when it rains but I realized it is just your attitude and realizing the storm is there for a purpose.  I am reminded of the quote “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”.  I could have walked away from God, I could have given up on life and my desire to have a child.  Instead, I chose to cling to God in my storm and learn to dance in the rain.  As I think about this precious baby boy inside of me as I write I think of how I have grown this past year.  Ultimately I feel that I will be a better mother and wife because I truly have learned how precious and short life really is.  Valuable lesson to learn at a young age.  I still worry about this baby but I know God is in control and I cling to his words to me, “It will be”.