Rollercoaster

I have been MIA for a couple weeks now.  I have been in a funk of sadness for the last couple of weeks.  I debated if I should blog or not but I think I have decided I should be open and honest with everyone.  Everything that has happened this year has been a rollercoaster.  I take it day by day but some days it is all I can do to make it through the day.  Somedays I want to throw in the towel and just tell myself that maybe I am not meant to be a mommy and then other days I act like I have boxing gloves on ready to fight anything that comes in my way. I thought by now I would have some answers to why I keep losing my babies but it has come at a dead end.  I had some testing done and only one test came back borderline.  So last Friday I had to go back to the doctor for more blood work.  I had to run up and down stairs for 20 minutes before the test and then they drew 9 tubes of blood.  Yes, you heard me right, 9 tubes.  I should find out Friday the results of the testing and am just hoping that it is fixable.  One thing that is keeping me positive is taking my health into my own hands.  I read online about acupuncture helping with fertility and recurrent miscarriage.  I figured it was worth a shot. So, on Friday at 9am I am going to get some acupuncture done.  I am really glad I have a strong support system because I probably would have gone postal by now with all of this stress and setbacks.  My husband, mom, and other friends and family have really been a wonderful support.  Even though they don't know what to say most of the time they are still really positive.  Grayson and my mom won't let me give up.  I try but they aren't budging at all.  I promise I will try to be more positive but just didn't want you guys to think that I gave up.  I will never give up entirely.

These Days

People always say to me "You are so strong in all of this, how do you go on?"  Well, I always say "I have my days".  Today is one of those days.  Most days I plaster the smile on my face and just face life.  I never chose this for myself but I have to fight and stay strong.  I can't give up because giving up makes you a victim but chosing to fight and be strong makes you a survivor.  God gives me peace. I pray for peace, comfort, and understanding in all of this.  At first I was angry at God after losing my babies but one night I fell to my knees and asked God to help me stay strong and to give me peace.  After that night I have felt different and learned to cherish the days I do have, good and bad.  I have learned that being late to work or an appointment is not the end of the world.  I have learned what really matters in life.  Grayson told me the other day that I don't seem to be worrying as much anymore.  I used to worry about everything but God has taught me that there is no need to worry about life when He is in control.  So, for now I am just learning to love these days and everything it brings. 
Here is a song by Mandisa (one of my favorite christian artists) which really speaks to me. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tezG4LRNzw