A name

After we lost our first baby I read the book "Heaven is for real."  In the true story the little boy visited heaven and then tells of what he saw.  The part that really got to me is when he told his mom that he saw his sister (whom his mom had miscarried and didn't even know the gender of the baby).  She asked him what her name was.  He said "she didn't have a name because you didn't give her one."  I then decided that I wanted my baby to have a name in heaven.  We named our first baby Peyton since we didn't know the gender and Peyton is pretty gender neutral. When we lost this second baby I thought we would get the results of the gender since we had the chromosome testing.  They couldn't tell the gender from the testing because they didn't have enough tissue.  I have been debating if I should pick out another gender neutral name or go gender specific.  With this baby I felt it was a girl. Grayson also had this feeling.  Since they say the mother is 75% right on the gender we decided we would pick out a girl name.  We picked out Madison.  I have always loved the name Madison and now my little baby has a name for God to call her. I hope Peyton and Madison are playing in heaven and taking care of each other.  Here is a poem I like to read when I am sad.  It helps me realize that my baby is in the most beautiful place being cared for by the angels and God.  It helps knowing that.

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't look so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

Waiting Again

So today I went to the doctor.  The doctor's office has been a familar place this year.  First I met with the doctor to discuss some things.  They weren't able to find out the gender from the chromosome testing which I was hoping I would know the gender so I could pick out a name.  With our last baby we named him/her Peyton because it was gender neutral but I had a feeling this baby was a girl so I think I am going to pick out a girl name this time.  I also had blood clotting tests done today and if anything comes up abnormal then I will either have to take aspirin everyday or I may have to take 2 shots of heparin everyday.  I am willing to do anything I have to do even if that means getting over my fear of seeing a needle enter my skin. I absolutely love my doctor because she is willing to do any kind of test to find the cause of my miscarriages.  She is also going to call a specialist in Memphis to consult with about my results.  I should get the results by next Friday so it is now another waiting game.  After we get the results, then I will be cleared to start trying again.  In the meantime my doctor went ahead and started me on a low dose "baby aspirin" since it can't hurt in the waiting time.  Next time around I have decided to try accupuncture. I have read some studies and research that says that accupuncture helps prevent miscarriage and helps one get pregnant since accupuncture helps with blood flow. I figured it couldn't hurt anything. 

After my doctor's appointment I went to the christian book store to get my name on my bible.  While I was checking out I saw a ring that had a bible verse that I just love and will be my motto during this new waiting period.  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philipians 4:6

My new weapon

Rainbows

I never really paid attention to rainbows. A week after we lost our second baby Grayson called me while I was babysitting and told me to run outside and see a double rainbow.  By the time I ran out there one was very faint and the second was the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen.  I called Grayson back and told him "Our babies must be playing with God's paints".  I will always see rainbows as my babies just painting away.  I now smile when it rains. 

Here is a poem I found and I think it describes miscarriage in a way others can relate:
"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown

Healing and Hope

So, you probably have read the previous post and thought "Wow, that was sad and depressing" but let me update you on my healing and hope. I am still going through testing to find out what caused my miscarriages. We got the results back from the baby and they couldn't find anything wrong with the chromosomes.  That is a relief.  I go this Friday for bloodwork to see if I have a blood clotting disorder that could have caused my losses.  If you know me then you would probably say that I have been ultra strong in all of this.  I wouldn't be able to do it without God.  Sure, I had my moments when I have questioned God but he has showed me/told me that I am here to help others.  That is what I keep hanging on to.  God even gave me a bible study to go to called "Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted".  He sure knows what his children need in life.  I keep telling myself that he still has a plan and is still in control.  I will never give up.  The devil will not break me.  I can promise you that.  Prayer is powerful.

 My motto recently: "God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."

Tough year

Since so much has happened this year I decided that I would blog about it and share it with my supporters in order to find meaning, healing, comfort, and most of all hope.  Some of the blog posts may be a little tough to read and may bring tears but it will get better, I promise.  In healing there is hope. I will also try to share some laughs along the way.   I have dealt with all of these tough issues in private and really haven't shared the details on my experiences and feelings but God keeps telling me to be transparent with people.  I keep thinking of the Mandisa song "What if we were real?" because what if we really were real with people and share our feelings?  If someone finds their own healing or comfort in my blog then I have been successful.  So here goes...

This year was not what I had planned, imagined, or thought it would be.  As a typical woman I had planned out my whole life.  I had planned my future and I was not going to let anything mess up my plans.  Towards the end of January, Grayson and I decided to start our family.  I got discouraged at first because I didn't realize how much went in to baby making (see, I told you there would be some laughs).  April 16th I decided to take a pregnancy test and see even though I thought it would be negative.  We had a wedding to photograph that day so I figured if it was negative that at least I would have something to keep me happy that day.  To my surprise it was positive!  I woke up Grayson with the test and he was shocked and happy as well.  Everything was just perfect and I really didn't feel pregnant.  I thought it was a walk in the park.  About 3 weeks later I started spotting.  I didn't think anything of it because everyone told me it was normal.  Three days later I woke up for work and had a gush of blood.  I called my mom and went to the doctor.  I knew something was wrong.  The ultrasound showed no baby but just a sac.  I was heartbroken.  I chose to have surgery(called a d&c) to make the process faster.  After my post op exam I was given the go ahead by my doctor to try again and was told most people have at least one miscarriage in their life.  Grayson and I just decided to put it in God's hands.

I waited and waited for my first cycle after my miscarriage and it never came.  I decided to do a test and completely floored when I got another positive test!  I had gotten pregnant just 3 weeks after my d&c.  I called the doctor and was watched very carefully by having blood work done immediately and ultrasounds at 6 and 8 weeks.  The doctor told me that anytime I wanted an ultrasound to just call which helped to ease my fears.  I was tired all the time and ate a ton of fruit and chocolate milk.  I went in for routine bloodwork and that is when my nightmare began yet again.  Here is my journal entry from August 9,2011:
                  "My world has been turned upside down in the last 4 days.  My hopes and dreams of holding my miracle baby in February have been shredded.  Last Wednesday August  3rd I went in for a routine bloodwork appointment.  I met with the nurse and told her I had 2 nightmares about losing this baby.  She told me I had nothing to worry about since we had seen the heartbeat twice but she would do an ultrasound to ease my fears.  The ultrasound tech said I was only measuring 9 weeks 1 day instead of 10 weeks 1 day.  The doctor came in and they turned the sound on.  There was no heartbeat.  All I remember saying was "Please tell me this isn't happen again?  This can't happen again".  That is when the doctor uttered the only words anyone knows to say "I'm sorry".  I was then put in a room where the doctor came in and discussed my options.  I chose to do a d&c again so they would be able to test the baby to see what caused this miscarriage.  I made it to the car before I completely lost it.  I took Thursday off of work and had a pity party for myself.  I went to the hospital and waited in the lobby to be called for paperwork.  It was hard to sit there and watch pregnant women enter and new babies leave in their carseats with their joyous parents.  The nurse called me back and I nearly lost it when I saw "diagnosis: missed abortion" and my baby being referred to as tissue.  I know these are medical terms but they were too harsh for me to bear.  I had my d&c on Friday.  The whole thing was deja vue.  Same doctors, nurses, hospital, and tears."