Tough year

Since so much has happened this year I decided that I would blog about it and share it with my supporters in order to find meaning, healing, comfort, and most of all hope.  Some of the blog posts may be a little tough to read and may bring tears but it will get better, I promise.  In healing there is hope. I will also try to share some laughs along the way.   I have dealt with all of these tough issues in private and really haven't shared the details on my experiences and feelings but God keeps telling me to be transparent with people.  I keep thinking of the Mandisa song "What if we were real?" because what if we really were real with people and share our feelings?  If someone finds their own healing or comfort in my blog then I have been successful.  So here goes...

This year was not what I had planned, imagined, or thought it would be.  As a typical woman I had planned out my whole life.  I had planned my future and I was not going to let anything mess up my plans.  Towards the end of January, Grayson and I decided to start our family.  I got discouraged at first because I didn't realize how much went in to baby making (see, I told you there would be some laughs).  April 16th I decided to take a pregnancy test and see even though I thought it would be negative.  We had a wedding to photograph that day so I figured if it was negative that at least I would have something to keep me happy that day.  To my surprise it was positive!  I woke up Grayson with the test and he was shocked and happy as well.  Everything was just perfect and I really didn't feel pregnant.  I thought it was a walk in the park.  About 3 weeks later I started spotting.  I didn't think anything of it because everyone told me it was normal.  Three days later I woke up for work and had a gush of blood.  I called my mom and went to the doctor.  I knew something was wrong.  The ultrasound showed no baby but just a sac.  I was heartbroken.  I chose to have surgery(called a d&c) to make the process faster.  After my post op exam I was given the go ahead by my doctor to try again and was told most people have at least one miscarriage in their life.  Grayson and I just decided to put it in God's hands.

I waited and waited for my first cycle after my miscarriage and it never came.  I decided to do a test and completely floored when I got another positive test!  I had gotten pregnant just 3 weeks after my d&c.  I called the doctor and was watched very carefully by having blood work done immediately and ultrasounds at 6 and 8 weeks.  The doctor told me that anytime I wanted an ultrasound to just call which helped to ease my fears.  I was tired all the time and ate a ton of fruit and chocolate milk.  I went in for routine bloodwork and that is when my nightmare began yet again.  Here is my journal entry from August 9,2011:
                  "My world has been turned upside down in the last 4 days.  My hopes and dreams of holding my miracle baby in February have been shredded.  Last Wednesday August  3rd I went in for a routine bloodwork appointment.  I met with the nurse and told her I had 2 nightmares about losing this baby.  She told me I had nothing to worry about since we had seen the heartbeat twice but she would do an ultrasound to ease my fears.  The ultrasound tech said I was only measuring 9 weeks 1 day instead of 10 weeks 1 day.  The doctor came in and they turned the sound on.  There was no heartbeat.  All I remember saying was "Please tell me this isn't happen again?  This can't happen again".  That is when the doctor uttered the only words anyone knows to say "I'm sorry".  I was then put in a room where the doctor came in and discussed my options.  I chose to do a d&c again so they would be able to test the baby to see what caused this miscarriage.  I made it to the car before I completely lost it.  I took Thursday off of work and had a pity party for myself.  I went to the hospital and waited in the lobby to be called for paperwork.  It was hard to sit there and watch pregnant women enter and new babies leave in their carseats with their joyous parents.  The nurse called me back and I nearly lost it when I saw "diagnosis: missed abortion" and my baby being referred to as tissue.  I know these are medical terms but they were too harsh for me to bear.  I had my d&c on Friday.  The whole thing was deja vue.  Same doctors, nurses, hospital, and tears."